Letter from Bridgeport Jail

THIS CORRESPONDENCE ORIGINATED FROM AN INMATE AT A CONNECTICUT CORRECTIONAL FACILITY

3/24/13

Mom;

Well; if I was you; I probably would ignore this letter; or throw it away, you know?  I am; and was under the impression you don't want to talk to me; and I can't blame you.  I'm certainly not angry; apathetic would be more accurate.

It's very important for me to prove to people; you included; that I am not a loser; or won't be successful; etc.  It's very hard to do that in jail.  I dunno how much you know, but I was arrested in Westport last July and violated probation.  I made bond on both cases.  After that; it was my last straw.  I went and got help - for the first time; I saw a Doctor - I also saw Judi's social worker; but didn't like her.  I paid Dr. Mason $300 per hour, and saw him 3 times per month.  I included the letter in here -> from him ->

Aside - let me first say that I know you think I am a "master manipulator" - but be sure I'm not asking for $ from you; I have paid the Dr. and my lawyer.  I don't need your financial help - so that's not why I write.

Anyways; I have included some letters Dr. Mason has written on my behalf.  There's obviously something wrong with me; he says PTSD + Recurrant Depression.  I don't know; but truthfully; he has helped me stop gambling.  I almost never do since I have seen him.

It seemed in late January that I might not have to go to jail for my probation violation -> I saved; paid almost $7,000 in restitution.  I have 3 jobs.  But I rented a car from Hertz - in my name - and just did not keep up with the payments.  They arrested me in Bridgeport, charged me with Larceny 1st.  I am not worried about that charge; the car was returned; however it doesn't look good for Westport + my VOP.  So here I sit; with a bond I cannot make.  Since I promised you in mid 2009 that I would not touch a cent of yours; I have not.  I have not taken TJ's either; and yes I know his ID was found on me in Westport - it wasn't because I was stealing; and I won't comment on that now because I'm not sure if you will show this to the wrong person.  I heard he was engaged.  Actually I saw my cousin J.J. at the gym last summer he told me.  I don't talk to any other family member.  I don't blame them either.  But congrats.  I too had a serious girlfriend for about 8 months, you would have liked her; and she knew about my past.  I don't know what will happen with that now.

In truth; I do want you to feel sorry for me, but not guilty - you have nothing to do with it -> but there's something in my mind that makes it hard for me to make good decisions.  I certainly had the money to pay for my rental - why didn't I??  I don't know.  Can't answer.

My lawyer's name is Sharen F----y.  She's very nice; she isn't a public defender; I paid her.  I'll ask her to email or call you.  Actually, Sophia; my girlfriend wanted to reach out to you around Christmas just to say hello; but I told her that wouldn't be a good idea.  I'd like to know when TJ is getting married.  Don't be cynical + think its for any other reason than curiosity.  Also; considering you have never written back - ever; I ave to assume I won't get a reply anyways.  There is something I want Sharen to tell you that will help -> and I refuse to write it down in this letter.

So the purpose of this letter is to tell you why + where I am; let you know Sharen may reach out to you -> and try to show  you that I am trying to better myself my seeing a Dr.  It's a small step, but it's the first time ever.

You have sent me books + cosmetic $ before; and if you'd like to do so please do; but it isn't necessary; that's not why I write.

I am not a bad person; but actions become character as you know; and certainly looking at 2008-2012 is not a good indication of the person I am.  I'd give anything or do anything to stop this stuff from happening - to stop these actions or whatever it is.  I really wish I could just be normal.  Wife; kids; job.  I will one day.  How can I ask for help when everyone thinks I'm trying to get over on them??  I guess I'm just sorry all of it happened.  If I could rewind I would.  I don't want to hurt anyone I'm too old.  And yet I put myself in these silly situations.  I'm 300 times smarter than any person in this place, which only makes it that much harder to take.  It's very clear what went wrong.  0 times in trouble/arrested before July 07, and dozens after - but why is very unclear.  Why don't I care about rules?  Why can't I seem to get out of my own way?  I'm not here for stealing thousands like in '09 - despite whatever the paper says I didn't take any $.  I have no reason to lie to you.  But I'm in here anyways.  I need to change or I'll be back.

Just saying sorry; I'm not terrible; please keep an open mind.  I honestly have no clue what will happen in court.  I could be out this year or 2017.  I have no idea -> Ha!  I'm sure you wouldn't mind if it was 2017 huh?  You told me once you felt safer.  You know I've left yo u alone.  So that argument holds no water.  Though unlikely; hope to hear from you.

Eric

I'm home for Memorial Day.  My mother holds my mail, and she had saved a letter she received from my brother after he was (finally) arrested (again) in February.  She thought it'd get a kick out of it.  I'm glad how far she's progressed in five years.  Four years ago I was literally begging her to call the police and she just couldn't.  Now she gets it: him, his problems, and what he does to her.  Yesterday she told me, "he [my brother] wants me to be in his life again, and I'm not gonna".

The 'master manipulator' line my brother said, it's a pop-psych buzzword.  I wonder whether he got it from my mom or picked it up from somewhere else (like in counseling)?  I was unsettled to hear he's seeing a therapist.  I've heard therapy doesn't work on psychopaths (my brother definitely has many of those tendencies) and only further teaches them to manipulate others.

I wonder sometimes what he's really thinking.  About us.  I have to believe Eric thinks he's smarter than us all, that we're wrapped around his little finger or are getting to be with each letter he writes.  Tellingly, he hasn't written a single letter to me in all the years he's been incarcerated, not even to say "sorry".  He knows he has a better chance to push a mother's buttons.  The letter above included several attempts to bait her to initiate contact: "I could tell you something but I'm not going to ..."  Most of his messages from the past several years included variations on that tactic.

I made a cameo!  He knows I got engaged.  While I don't like him knowing details of my life, it's not a private secret that I'm engaged.  I also like that it shows life is moving on without him.

Also, if he didn't take my "$", it's certainly because he couldn't, not wouldn't.  His letter omitted other cases against him, where charges explicitly state he tried to open accounts in my name.  Maybe it he  successfully drew against fraudulent accounts then technically it wouldn't have been my money he took, it'd be the bank's.  But who's left on the hook?

He wrote this letter in late March, and he's seemingly since pleaded out of his charges just this month.  The sentencing hearing is scheduled for early June.  I hope he remains in jail for some time  I, personally, am happier when he's there.  It means less worries that my credit card won't be accepted when I try to pay, less worries every unknown number calling me is a debt collector.  In his letter he wrote he'd do anything to keep this stuff from happening.  That's easy then - this stuff doesn't happen when he's locked up.

Popping Wheelings Like Whoa!

Spring is in the air!  I want to run!  I want to bike!

Via Design Taxi, this animated Polaroid is hypnotic.  It's also strangely evocative of Paper Boy.  In the 1980s, in our free time, we played video games about doing work.  Why?

At least, when I delivered for The Hour, calamities didn't include tornadoes or even honestly stray dogs.  Worse case scenario was the ink blackening our hands on hot summer's days

Jibbs and the Beauty

I made this photo to my Facebook timeline cover yesterday. The photo was first published in National Geographic, May 1938.  The original caption read:

"Jiggs, Simian Movie Star, Rehearses With 'The Jungle Princess.' The setting, on a tropical island, is for a scene in the new Paramount picture, Jungle Love, starring Dorothy Lamour..."

Sadly, the caption continues that Jiggs died shortly after filming completed - I omitted that unfortunate detail when I wrote the Facebook description.

You know, I always cried at the end of King Kong...

Jibbs on set with co-star Dorothy Lamour

Workouts Where You Find Them

On occasion during those cold winter nights I needed to cut weight, I threw on a garbage bag, a couple of turtlenecks, full sweats, and then jogged the mile or so to Naramake elementary school, my alma mater, to run laps of the building.

I'd also use the playground's gymnasium equipment to include a strength training workout.  I'd swing across the ladder bars, do pull-ups, and even attempted some Rocky IV style upside-down sit-ups (in constant fear of breaking my neck).  Basically, I did all the things I wasn't strong enough to do in elementary school ten years earlier.  Ironically, at 17 my height became a bigger impediment than my weight: the equipment was low enough so that I could easily reach up and grab the bars.  Obviously, it was designed to prevent perilous falls for a 10 year-old rather than allow me a full-extension pull-up.

Playground workouts are a thing, now, and I think it's partially about the finding utility in the environment around you - I used the playground because I didn't have a gym.  In this, a related phenomena is people preforming stunts around their cityscapes, finding physical obstacles in the everyday.  Skateboard stunt videos - people flying off stair railings - have been popular since MTV's Jackass, but I prefer the stripped-down, equipment-less spirit of free-running.  The sport has gained much exposurey through Youtube, but especially through Sébastien Foucan's parkour run in Casino Royale (and the best Bond film opening, ever).  To clarify, I'm talking about watching, not participating in free-running.  I'm not sure I'm even the same species as these guys.

Even Stan Lee parkours!  I found this good-humored video via InfinityList.  Highlights are "Lee's" opening neck-crunch warm-up, Spiderman-ing up the wall, a legs-splayed rope climb, and the bird scare run.

Krossed Out

Music news announced the death of one of Kris Kross's two Chrises this morning.  Chris Kelly, 34, was found unresponsive in his Atlanta home yesterday (the suspected cause is drug overdose).

Chris, MJ, and Chris - now only one remains...

Reactions to Kelly's death today elicited a wave early 90's nostalgia.  I was no exception - the one-hit wonders' one hit was 1992's Jump.  The song pitches me back to 6th grade, and my first middle school dance.  I'm standing awkwardly along the gym wall in the vicinity of boys I really wasn't friends with, to at least not be standing alone.  At 11, I played with Transformers while my cooler peers listened to music with the Parental Advisory warning: they knew what O.P.P. stood for.  The moment I best remember most is when Jump started playing.  The other boys went wild, everyone (else) knew the lyrics.  Their mid-step pause to cry out to each other Kelly's "wiggity-wiggity-wiggity-wack" line.  It was like that song cemented their secret fraternity I'd never be apart of.  I attempted a lame Running Man on the outskirts of their circle and certainly just embarrassed myself.

Looking back twenty years and seeing that little boy, it's so sad to think how his story would one day end.