Mausolevm Dentvm

I didn’t make it through the Parade of Nations during last night’s (Olympic) Opening Ceremonies. The dances and fireworks prior to the procession were very cool, but once you’ve seen half the countries you’ve seen the other half. I (correctly) guessed I’d see the torch lighting eight times before I left the apartment this morning, so there was no need to stay up.

Early to bed, early to rise, and being up early enough allowed me the wonders of local news. I’m sure I could find more hick-ish even further out, but prior to the 8 o’clock hour I chanced upon a crusty lady detailing her local shopping experiences with show and tell. She began expounding the cuteness of a baby tooth holder – let me go over this, I’m talking about a baby bone holder! What the body naturally sheds to be worshipped like some relics of a saint?

I think it’s disgusting. Though, I hear parents get excited over their infant’s poop.

But baby teeth bring up unresolved emotional issues for me; I never lost all my teeth – naturally. I was 13 and had only lost the upper-two on top – I had to get four pulled in one session to get braces. If I didn’t look like a beaver with two big front teeth and all baby teeth on top before, I certainly looked like a freakish beaver afterwards with two big front teeth and nothing else. I remember sitting in the cafeteria that next day, probably alone (middle-schoolers are not kind to those with physical “defects”), gumming my pizza.

My real point is that I really got screwed* by the Tooth Fairy. How often friends would shove dollars into my face, bragging about their earnings. Just a dollar is a lot when you’re 10. Comfort that my babies would one day fall out sustained me through those episodes. Instead, I ultimately lost only those few naturally – plus you have to consider the natural losses that I swallowed. Did I look to see if the teeth had come out? {well, I won’t tell…}


*Instead of “screwed” I wanted to say “gypped”, but then reflected on how that would be insensitive to gypsies.