More Dreams...

Much worse than nightmares are really really good dreams. All dreams end, and reality is much longer-lasting than any dream. Nightmares are a relief to wake up from, while it can be emotional devastating to wake up from a really good dream.

I still recall the Christmas I got a Super Nintendo system, and how much fun I had playing it that morning. Then I woke up and in a panic started tearing my room apart looking for some shred of evidence that it wasn't just a dream, as it slowly dawned on me that it was still about two weeks before Christmas.

I remember sitting on the bus that morning, trying to fall back asleep, hoping I could get find my way back to my happy dream world. Unfortunately, you can never return to the dreams you want you. Sometimes, dreams are so much preferable to our reality. By the way, I didn't get the Nintendo for Christmas that year.

Again, last night I dreamt of my brother. In this dream, I was home in Norwalk, and suddenly appeared around the corner. I was initially freaked out, because I understood then that he was dead, but then calmed down a bit. I guess he was a ghost, and was able to be around the house, interacting with my family and me. It was basically as it was before, except now he had the ability to turn invisible (I think I asked him at one point if he was, like, haunting the house, and he sort of just shrugged his shoulders and said he didn't know). No except me, my mom, and Eric could see him; Becca was over at one point and I was trying to explain things to her, but she didn't believe me. For "proof", I called to Scott to bang once on the wall if was there and twice if he wasn't (not the most logical command). Suddenly, the door of the room flew open, and there was a loud bang on the wall. Becca just sat with her jaw open.

Even if he was dead, I was just so happy that we could at least talk and interact, which was the only real important thing, anyway. I asked him what he was thinking doing what he did, and he said he took nine alcoholic drinks so he wasn't really thinking. It was more like an "oops" moment, because with him still around, there weren't really any consequences. I figured I could just live at the house and hang out. I was so happy...in a sense, it was another "second chance" dream. Truly, it was the happiest dream I had in a long time.

And waking up this morning was the hardest wake-up I can remember. Even last summer, when I did my dream journal, there were countless dreams where I was so happy to get second chances because my dad was alive. That was five years after his death. It hasn't even been three weeks after Scott's. Methinks there are lots to come...

And I wonder if Scott has substituted for my father for the moment. I wonder what it would be like if they're both in my dream at once?

First Dream...

And the dreams have started....This morning, I had the first with my deceased brother in it. It wasn't quite as freaky as that of my first dream of my father after he died...when he came in with blood-red eyes, sat us down in the living room and short of shrugged his shoulders at us asking how he was. There have been many since. At less than two weeks since my brother died, it's starting much sooner (and incidentally, the ones of my father have never stopped...).

In high school, doing a Columbine-style shooting, but I'm one of the accomplices...the other two are the killers from Gus Van Zant's Elephant (a movie I wanted to show to Scott)...I didn't really kill any students, but because I had seen the movie and already knew what was "supposed" to happen, I was pointing out to the other two what they were "supposed" to do (I was directing them in a way). Eventually, the police and SWAT team showed up and I knew I was dead (i.e., they'd gun me down)...I shot at them from the windows with my assault rifle to stall them. Suddenly, the blond killer shows up like at the end (and I knew the other was "supposed" to surprisingly kill him then) but, I shot him first (multiple times as he was thrown against the wall) although after about three shots the dark-haired killer joined in. I then told the the dark-haired killer to go tothe couple hiding in the kitchen (eenie, meenie, minie, moe). I later heard two gun shots, confirming how I suspected that movie would have played out. Suddenly the SWAT team was about to break through...I lost my weapon and convinced the (gullible) SWAT leader I was an innocent student, but knew they'd figure out sooner or later the truth of my involvement. They left me to attack the dark-haired killer, and I then stepped into a side gym and plotted my escape....perhaps knowing it was a dream, I got the idea I had the ability to will myself wherever I wanted to be...I thought about home, and my brother...the room got dark, I saw myself falling into a black hole, and found myself at the corner of Ambler and George in Norwalk. Instantly, Scott in his Jeep turned the corner.

Scott drove me to the house, we went upstairs into his room. He looked maybe five years younger than when I saw him last. I somehow became convinced all this was the product of time travel, that I really had gotten a second chance to save him (sort of like a reverse The Terminator or in Back to the Future where Marty wants to warn Doc about getting killed) because it was really several years in the past (prior to today). But, I was so overwhelmed with emotion, I just began to cry, balling my eyes out, and grabbing his legs (he was sitting) not wanting to let him go. I think he was a bit freaked out by my reaction. At some point, I became aware that he had been time traveling, too, and was aware of many parts of his life, including the future (it was all very Slaughterhouse Five). So, with choked voice I asked him if he knew what would happen to him in July, 2007, but he said he didn't know, and I was unable to tell him...I was just too choked up. I just tried to beg him to take care of himself, but he slowly and increasingly became distracted in playing Super Mario Brothers 3 on his Gameboy (I also was momentarily distracted when I saw how fun the game was). I became worried (and then convinced) that is death would be inevitable, as I just couldn't get through to him. I then woke up to a sense of increasing dread as I realized it was all a dream, and he was gone forever - and I really didn't have my one chance to save him.