Roommate Reconciliation

I roomed with the same guy in college for four years...during senior year, it went a little sour. I had just started a relationship (and so was in the lovey-dovey phase) whereas he was breaking up with his girlfriend. He acted obviously jealous, and later admitted it. Bigger problems were that at no fault of my own, he began to talk about me behind my back to my other roommates, even after I went to sit with him in the emergency room after he got hit in the crotch with a hockey puck. The betrayal really hurt me. Painfully, after four years and countless good times, it began with something so petty and at no fault of my own.

Perhaps the seeds were always there; he was sort of a narcissistic, self-absorbed guy. I recognized it at the end: before we were to move out, he came up to me in the street asking to be friends again. I suspected (and still strongly believe) that he wasn't interested in forgiveness for its own sake but rather to let his own conscious be at peace. I'm proud of myself for not letting him off the hook: I told him after graduation I didn't plan on ever seeing him again.

The question is, do people change? We wouldn't hold it against someone now if they had called us a mean name on the kindergarten playground. No adult is the same person they were as a child...but do adults change? Sometimes we don't think so. Politicians are asked all the time to defend a position taken 10...20...perhaps even 30 years prior (a span longer than my entire life). When we stop to think about it, why would we expect them to not be the same people? After literally years of learning and life experience? It makes sense they would. I'm hopeful (and Catholic) enough to believe people can change. So the question becomes, how long does it take for people to change?

This episode with my roommate was approximately four years ago. A year after graduation, he IMed me, wishing me luck at Columbia. I ignored him.

This past spring, he contacted me through my new Facebook account:

Hey TJ,

It's been a long time and I understand that things didnt end well between us in college but I hope that now that time has passed, we can put that stuff behind us. It would be good to keep in contact with you and know who things have turned out for you. Are you still with the girl you were dating in college?

Let me know how you've been if you're interested. If not, I can understand that too.

Best, ____

For the second time, he really did put himself out there. Moreover, It had been 3.5 years...maybe he's matured? Adding him as a Facebook friend was not the biggest deal. I was willing to give him that much of a chance.

Since the add, we haven't caught up to much outside of a few back-and-forth e-mails at the beginning. It worries me that he sought contrition only for his consciousness, as he planned to four years ago, and this time I let him get away with it .

Maybe not. We're all busy, and I've certainly been dissing even my closest friends lately. Today is this particular "friend's" birthday, and I think I will put myself out there in the smallest way I possibly could: a "happy birthday" message on his Facebook page. It's time I do something to reciprocate his initial move, anyway. It's not much, but that's the point. Keep my distance and feel him out. We used to be pretty good friends...much better to mend that than totally throw out...and maybe the bone just needed some time to heal before we tried walking on it?